Prudence required

If I'd received this email from The Times I'd consider it impersonal and rude, especially as it knows who I am through my membership number.

But when it's sent to a lovely older lady like Joan C, well it sounds downright patronising.

Would you like sugar with that, dear?

Ram it, Ramit

Hi everyone. Back again after a short break. Thanks for still being here.

What we have today is the front cover of an advert sent by email to Jon C by a guy called Ramit Sethi who's trying to sell him a course on time management.

The message might have been more convincing had he managed to spell email correctly.

Same again

An email from Goofbid landed in my inbox the other other day.

Strikingly obvious

It's pretty clear, especially to FirstNameisBlank Jon, that this particular company doesn't really care enough about its customers.

Half-baked marketing

As if conning us in its shops wasn't enough, Tesco is now ripping us off online.

Jon C was entirely unimpressed with the half price beans offer.

You'd think that Tesco employees could at least count.

Oh wait. I seem to remember Tesco overstating its profits by £263million last year.

Coincidence? You decide.

Predict-ive text Part 2

We've had a similar one before from Predict.

Prefer this by text?

I don't actually care how you send it. I just want to be able to read it.

Lyfting standards

I can understand it - just about - when people confuse your and you're.

(Just a reminder: It's the difference between knowing your sh-t and knowing you're sh-t.)

But what I, and Jon C I think, find particularly infuriating is the inconsistency shown by some people.

Shame, because Lyft seems like a really good idea.

Bottomless Wales

Looks like the bottom has not just fallen out of the startup market in Wales.

It's actually, according to an email received by Trev L, completely bottomless.

ISSUE DATE: 30 January 2015
TODAY'S TOP STORIES
Only 45% of IT pros get value from UK cyber security initiatives
Scotland sees startup growth, but Wales lacks behind

Predictive text

I ordered some stationery from Ideal Envelopes the other day and received this message from DPD, the delivery service that Ideal uses.

I have to say that the Predict online tracking system is nothing short of excellent. You can follow your DPD delivery van on its route and the web page shows you on a map exactly where your parcel is in the delivery queue.

So Predict's ability to provide an accurate delivery time is brilliant.

But Predict's ability to provide a meaningful email header?

Far from Ideal.

Sur-pricing punctuation

I'm kicking myself because I put this image to one side this time last year and completely forgot about it until today.

I think it's probably taken from one of those annoying unsolicited emails I keep receiving. But, if you sent me it, I'm sorry. I simply can't remember where it came from.

Anyway, here are some examples of awful punctuation that you will find on our website...

Oh well.

At least my forgetfulness may save the site designers a bucketful of embarrassment.

Your inconsistency

One of those unsolicited emails that comes along every so often whose sole purpose, or so it seems, is simply to annoy you.

First of all, your inconsistency with your your and your you're is too much to bear.

Let me explain?

You don't actually explain anything. All you do is repeat the headline.

Two products that allows...? Comma instead of a full stop? Its so simple?

Everyone. Really? Everyone?

No, no, no, ProductTesting.UK

Your (or, as you would say, you're) client, Santander: Driven to do better?

Driven to distraction, more like.

On the mat again

Ah, 'Quality' Mats. Welcome back.

I see you've not returned to apologise for your last gaffe. In fact, you've brought even more with you this time.

Well, your five seconds is now up and, without doubt, you've made 'a lasting statement'.

With the unnecessary capital letters and incorrect punctuation marks (or lack of any punctuation marks) there are no less than fourteen errors in your first sentence.

Which, actually, should be two sentences.

Oh, and it's whose, not who's. Nor even whos.

You're welcome.

Inspirational

So, it's not just me.

Jon C has also received one of those unsolicited emails; this one from GreenStones, an accountancy practice.

The aim of this newsletter, it says, is to inspire you and your business to become the best that you can be.

How does it do that?

By leaving entirely unedited the text at the top left which is taken directly from whichever email template was used.

Yeah, really inspiring.

If that's the best you can be, GreenStones, it's actually not much better than my worst.

Oh joy. I've just checked the website and the business is based in Peterborough.

Should have guessed.

First Impressions

I've retrieved another of those unsolicited emails before confining it to eternal spamnation.

Indeed they do, 'Quality' Mats.

Indeed they do.

An L of a typo

I found this on WebProNews.

The Chicago Public Schools system recently sent an email to parents notifying them that CPS was raising the standards when it comes to the Illinois Standards Achievement Test, or ISAT. The new standards for the ISAT are being implemented by the Illinois State Board of Education, or ISBE.

So far so good.

But an unfortunate error at the end of the message which was suggesting parents visit the ISBE website for more information added an extra letter. So the link ended up as ISBEL.com

Oops. It's a 'private invite-only community' with the goal of 'exploring and enriching the modern woman’s sex life and sensuality'.

Of course, CPS apologised.

'As soon as it was brought to our attention, we sent out an updated letter with a corrected link and apologized for any inconvenience it may have caused,' said a spokeswoman.

Unfortunately, she didn't go as far as explaining how the web address ISBEL.com could possibly be confused with isbe.state.il.us

Does it mean that the email writer had Autotype turned on which replaced the correct address with one which had been visited on a previous occasion?

Just a thought.

Wire you contacting me, Paul?

From: "Paul King" <paul@wiredcontact.co.uk>

Date: 8 December 2011 13:46:20 GMT

To: printit@imagiclee.com

Subject: Update

Update to what, exactly? I've never been in touch with you before and vice versa.

Hi

See? You don't even know my name. And not knowing it precludes you from being so familiar.

However, even though you can't be bothered to research your target customers, I always find out as much as I can about potential partners.

Paul King on LinkedIn

I realised we hadn't been in touch for ages and hope you are doing well and prospering.

As I said, we haven't been in touch before. Ever. So, not exactly a realisation on your part. More an indisputable fact.

And forgive my cynicism but I suspect that you want me to be prospering purely so you can profit from it.

Let's hope we do not get snowed in this year although we can all work from home now if needed, in fact from anywhere, have a look at this http:/demos.wiredcontact.com/ or call me.

Paul, please can we have some understanding of what sentences are and how important punctuation is? You're supposed to be communicating but what you're writing is just nonsense.

We can all work from home, can we? Are you sure? All of us?

What about Miners? Lumberjacks? Snowplough drivers even, since you brought up the subject?

Ah, I see. You mean tossers people like you, don't you.

Anyway, I did as you asked and clicked on the link. This is what came up...

Welcome to the WiredContact Enterprise Demo Site!
	WiredContact Enterprise is one of the most powerful, yet easy to use web-based CRM's available today. As you take your tour, please note the views, navigation, functionality and look and feel can be customized for your specific CRM needs.

A tad presumptuous of you, thinking I know what a CRM is. What I do know, however, is that the plural of CRM is CRMs.

Customized? No, no. Not in the UK.

Remember the saying "if you are not telling you are not selling" well it's probably never more true than now, so if you do not have a system that stores all of your suspects, prospects and customers and lets you email and write to them then perhaps we can help.

So, no chance of some proper punctuation and sentences then?

And wait a minute. Is this so-called saying written anywhere reputable? Or does it exist solely in one of your tired old PowerPoint presentations?

Also, I know what prospects and customers are. But suspects? Excuse me but my target market does not include criminals.

Finally, I take it that this message from you has been generated by your 'system'. Works well, doesn't it.

We provide browser based administration and marketing solutions that can help get that elusive cash in have a look here http://www.wiredcontact.co.uk/

I'm not going to tell you again about your lack of punctuation.

By 'help get that...cash in' I assume you mean cash for you. Because the best way of getting cash in, as far as my business is concerned, is to provide high quality, good value services and products that my customers enjoy, buy again and tell others about.

Let me know what's happening with you.

Er, right. I have a healthy order book. My customers are happy. There's more work on the horizon. And I'm pretty confident that I'll still be in business this time next year.

Oh, and I'm not planning on sending out badly written, clearly unchecked, emails to random people using a shotgun approach in the forlorn hope that one might hit some idiot who is witless enough to respond.

You?

Kind regards

Paul King

WiredContact

Web and Wireless Solutions for Contact Management

Phone: 0208 099 3032

Email: paul@wiredcontact.co.uk

To unsubscribe from emails sent by WiredContact in future, please either click the link below or copy the link and enter it in the web address box of a web browser and navigate to the web address:

http://crm.wiredcontact.co.uk/wceweb.dll?ck=110810163424093434&function=optinout&eid=dld20q7bvb03zjt4&value=Y

Well I would unsubscribe, but reading your messages provides me with so much entertainment.

Please keep 'em coming.

Letter from Lagos

John H sent the following email to me at peter (at) mytypohumour (dotcom)

Apparently I have a big payout waiting for me. And before I send off my PIN, card details, and the birth certificate of my first born, here are some highlights from an email I had from a very nice Nigerian lady who, although she appears to be a humble cleaner, is charged with distributing the wealth.

SUBJECT Attn: Beneficiary, Your $1.5 Million Dollars Compensation

Attn: Beneficiary,

I am Mrs. Farida Waziri the charlady of ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION (EFCC).EFCC in alliance with economic community of West African states (ECOWAS)with the head office here in Nigeria. We have been working towards the eradication of fraudsters and scam artists in western part of Africa with the help of the United States government and the united Nation.

We have been able to recover so much money from these scam artists. The United Nation Anti-Crime commission and the united state Government has ordered the money recovered from the scammers to be shared among 100 lucky people around the global.

Best Regard, 
Mrs. Farida Waziri 
CHAIRMAN ECONOMIC & FINANCIAL CRIME COMMISSION 
(EFCC) FOREIGN OPERATIONS DEPT, LAGOS-NIGERIA.

Wait. She's been promoted. Far the char becomes Farida the leader. (And undergone a sex change.)

Note: that if no seriousness is seen in you. We have no choice to other than to cancel your fund. We have no time to waste in this transaction any more.

And it will only cost me £250.

Bargain.