Monday, 31 December 2012

Twenty questions #2

Part two of our Christmas cracker alternatives.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that we put a man on the moon before we decided to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up and cry every two hours?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a blackened crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that, when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out of the window?

Friday, 28 December 2012

Definotions

It's time for some definotions.

Definotion: A slight change in a word which provides a whole different idea for its meaning.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts only until you realise it was your money to start with.


Karmageddon: When you witness the shit hitting the fan in an extreme way while acknowledging your own contribution to that event.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted in an impossibly high place.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance you perform when you accidentally walk into a spider's web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a bluebottle that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Twenty questions #1

An alternative to Christmas cracker jokes in two parts.

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?


Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Monday, 24 December 2012

Spell cheque home oh phones

I'm taking a short break from the usual posts over the festive period.

But I'll still be posting some one-liners and this which I created by using, adding to, and editing the best bits from other similar rhymes.

Probably best to try it before the Christmas drinking starts.

Then again, it might be more fun after.

Hope you have a good one.



Eye Halve A Spell Ling Chequer
with thanks to Jerrold H Zar and Margo Roark

Eye halve a spell ling chequer.
It came with my pea sea.
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks aye kin knot c.

Sow ewe kin sea y aye dew prays
Such soft wear four peace ease, 
And why aye mussed brake inn two verse 
Buy witch eye ope too pleas.

A chequer is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It Alps u right awl stiles two reed,
And aides mi wen aye rime.

Each frays cum posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The chequer pours o'er aviary whirred
Two Czech sum spell ling rule.

Eye striker quay and type a whirred
N weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write; 
Itch owes mi's trait a weigh.

AZ soon as a mist ache is maid 
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye kin putt the error rite; 
Its rare lea Eva wrong.

Beakers UV yew sing chequers
Hour spell ling mite d cline, 
And if weir lacks oar halve a laps, 
Wee wood bee maid too wine.

Two wright with care is quiet a feet
Of witch won shooed b prow d,
And wee mussed dew the best wee kin,
Sew floors r knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spell ling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their Arno false with in my cite,
Of nun eye amma wear.

Eye rang this Poe him threw it,
Yore shore reel glad two no.
Its vary poll itched in it's whey.
My chequer tolled me sew.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Oldies and goodies

I've been saving a special one for Christmas.

Thanks to Dennis A for adding this 1967 ticket application form to the MTH collection.


I needed to make Christmas right.

Speaking of which, here's a Christmas present for those of you who, like me, are Jimi Hendrix fans. Some rare footage of him warming up in the dressing room followed by his performance at that very Christmas On Earth Continued Party recorded on Friday 22 December 1967.

Yes. Gulp. Forty-five years ago tomorrow. RIP.


Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Et tu, Ken?

According to Angie J, it looks like Morrisons is moving in on Tesco's territory.


What kind of sorcery is this?

It's a new lower price all right.

It's just that the new lower price is higher than the previous lower price.

Confused? Exactly what Morrisons wants.

Getting fresher with you every day.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Stitch up

You may remember a couple of weeks ago I mentioned Su's Anal Bum Party.

Well I didn't actually spell it out in so many words but, if you think the subject matter of MTH has taken a sudden turn for the worse, worry not. Here's the link.

And now, thanks to Happy Place, I've found the perfect party boxers for the man man enough to attend.



A-hem.

See what I did there?

Friday, 14 December 2012

Huge typo

Hobgoblin Music advertised in our local Metro newspaper the other day.


A hugh round of applause, please, for Dennis A who was on hand to capture the evidence for posterity.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

No f-in shifts

This appeared in the Torrington, Connecticut newspaper, the Register Citizen.


What happens when staff numbers in newsrooms are reduced so far that there's no one left to check stuff?

Shift happens.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Spicy savings

Sent in by Dennis A who came across Laura Gilchrist's Bargain Buster which she found at the Wimbledon branch of Currys earlier this year.



That's a staggering two hundredths of a one per cent reduction.

A real bargain.

And a great example of a shop failing miserably to Curry favour with its customers.

Friday, 7 December 2012

The real McCoy

Thanks very much to Angie J who sent in these photos.

You'd think that McCoy's, with a brand name that contains one, would be the pros when it came to the correct use of apostrophes.

Not so.



In fact, the apostrophe abuse is widespread on the website.

Check the FAQ's for yourself.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Same 'ole, same 'ole

Ah, Tesco, we meet again.

I see you're still up to your usual tricks playing mind games with unsuspecting customers.

Why can't you just pile 'em high and sell 'em cheap like you did in the early days? At least you were more honest then. Still the same crap shop, yes. But more honest nonetheless.



Anyway, thanks to Jon C for spotting this one.

It gives me the opportunity to repeat one of his brilliant comments on a previous Tesco post:

Very little helps.

Monday, 3 December 2012

UN in a state

Over 1.13 million followers looked on in horror as the official United Nations Twitter account published this tweet the other day.


Writer and editor Yair Rosenberg was among the first to point out the error. He remarked, 'Seriously, this may be the biggest typo in the history of international relations.'

But it was 36 minutes before a correction appeared.


By which time some damage had undoubtedly been done.

The person who writes the UN's tweets, Information Officer Nancy Groves, apologised and described it as 'a terrible typo'.

Anyone still claiming that typos aren't important?

Thought not.

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