Liquid lunch

It doesn't say what type of establishment is being visited.

Presumably it's a hospital where you'd think they'd be able to bring about a coma.

Sorry. A comma.

At least Waldemar Łysiak should feel justified.

Access denied

We're all used to niche marketing these days.

But I can't help feeling that this particular target market is just a little too specific.

Perhaps the sign was pinned up by cleaning staff looking for an easier life.

Close, but no cigar

Ann F sent me this short letter to the Financial Times which she spotted on twitter a week or so ago.

Grammatical rules for writers

With time to kill during the holidays, you might like to brush up on your writing skills.

Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Avoid cliches like the plague. They're old hat.

Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

Be more or less specific.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

No sentence fragments.

Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

One should never generalise.

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't use no double negatives.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be ignored.

Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

Kill all exclamation marks!!!

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forward earth-shattering ideas.

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, 'I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.'

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Writeres should always chekc thier speling.

Apostrophes' in the wrong place's annoy your reader's.

Keep your writings concise and to-the-point. I mean, you shouldn't ramble. It's really annoying. Really, nobody likes someone who goes on and on, paragraph after paragraph, and never seems to get to the point.

Take my hand

Thanks to Greg L who points out that, even after his death, Nelson Mandela still has a knack of bringing people together.

Under the influence

I'm delighted that the Peterborough branch of the MTH typo-spotting crew is growing.

Today we welcome Marion H who has sent in what must be the world's first hieroglyphic instruction leaflet.

In fact, it's an addendum to the instructions for a halogen oven which suggests that it's correcting some errors in the original instructions.

Well, if these are the corrections, I'd hate to see what the original looks like.

Honestly, I don't know where to start. So I won't.

But we can surely take a great deal of reassurance from the fact that the leaflet carries the green Quality Control Pass sticker. It's a sign of a fantastic quality standard.

Yes, fantastic.

I do notice, however, that someone has gone to a great deal of trouble to ensure that the last sentence is the clearest part of the whole document.

Yes, that one. The sentence that declares the blindingly obvious instruction: that 'the part marked BOTTOM must be on the underside of the glass bowl.' Good thing that we can read that one clearly. Otherwise who'd have guessed?

Incidentally, I read that Team UKI is yet another of those companies whose aim (according to its web site) is 'to provide the best of service, quality and value'.

I'm wondering if that means it's offering a choice between the three? And, in which one of them it feels it has achieved that aim with this leaflet.

I guess the document has been written by a Halogenic Oven Specialist.

But it reads as though it's been written by a Hallucinogenic Oven Specialist.

City College

Come on, Peterborough. Get a grip.

When you read this advert for City College (or Sh-tty College as it's known by some of the locals), you'll understand what Jon C is up against in his increasingly frustrating attempts to uphold standards in that otherwise very fine City.

The advert's sole purpose appears to be to showcase some of the worst examples of those English skills which it is offering to teach.

First, in the heading, why all the capitals? Oh, apart from the second 'to'.

And there's only one college so it should read 'College Offers' and not 'College Offer'.

So, in just one heading we are presented with errors in punctuation, grammar and consistency.

Let's carry on.

Oh, here we go again. Why the capitalisation? Apart from 'City' which earns only a capital initial letter.

And, unless those jobseekers are all taking part in the same job hunt, 'their job hunt' should be 'their job hunts'.

Again, there's only one College so City College has many years experience, not 'have' many years experience.

And, because there are many years and not just one year, there's a misplaced apostrophe. It should read 'many years' experience' and not 'many year's experience'.

Also, there should be a couple of commas in that sentence. One after Peterborough and the other after Street.

There you go, Jackie. You say 'The College has launched...' Despite the fact that you probably wrote the rest of the advert, your quote recognises, at last, that there is only one College. Well done.

Oops, I spoke too soon. I assume there is more than one employer in Peterborough. If that's the case then there's another misplaced apostrophe. It should read 'local employers' needs' and not 'local employer's needs'.

And there's no such word as 'likeminded'. It should be like-minded.

Then we have more inconsistency with some of the programme titles earning capital initial letters while others don't, followed by the Business Administration Course suddenly being promoted to capital initial status.

The quote from the student is clumsy but it might actually be a genuine quote so I'll not dwell on it.

Finally we get back to words provided, presumably, by the College. You can tell because the first sentence doesn't make sense. Instead of a full stop after 'available', there should be a comma and Phone should not have a capital initial letter. You couldn't possibly email www.citycollegepeterborough.co.uk because it's a web address and not an email address. You might visit it though.

Or, as the advert says, you could visit the College in person.

If you do, perhaps you'd like to help the members of staff with their English rather than vice versa.

Oh, and ask them if they're interested in running a course in Proofreading.

Dynofusion: a Marketing master class

One issue with having an online presence is dealing with the daily onslaught of spam. Luckily, we have filters that hide most of it and bury it for ever.

But, occasionally, some slip through the net. The unfortunate truth about this one is that it's been sent with good intentions. (Well, it's a blatant hard-sell but at least it's not malicious.)

Bless him. I can picture the author writing and rewriting his lines for hours, maybe even days, carefully honing them until he comes up with the perfect message. The one you couldn't possibly ignore. The masterpiece that's going to make him his fortune.

It would be laughable but for the fact that the email is all about using email to gain business. Perhaps crying is the more appropriate option.

Please take a second look as I steer you through it.

Hi .

Translation: I don't know who the hell you are but I'm going to send this email to thousands of people using this spammy scattergun technique in the hope that one of them reaches a target.

Please don't use the word Hi when you and I have never spoken to each other, exchanged business cards nor even travelled on the same bus.

It's Dear . to you, James.

And while we're at it, no full point please. It's a salutation, not a sentence.

Well, you've certainly made a good start. 'Hit the ground running' was no doubt the expression that impressed you the most at your Marketing For Dummies evening class. So far, you've made a total of four keystrokes and you've already managed to both alienate me and antagonise me. I'm hardly receptive to your message, even if it predicts the Second Coming.

I think I'm beginning to understand exactly just how effective this email marketing is.

Still, I'll persevere.

Thanks for taking the time yesterday to read my email.

I didn't receive an email from you yesterday. You may have sent me one - along with probably 50,000 others - but it's highly likely that it went directly into my spam folder resulting in instant deletion and oblivion.

But you actually have no idea whether I received it, let alone read it.

As I mentioned,

Correction. As I mentioned, I didn't receive your email yesterday.

make more money & generate more business

Comma after business, please. And you should use the word 'and' rather than an ampersand. It's lazy and tacky.

we have over 1 million industry specific senior decision makers you can utilise to send your email contacts in our database.

Er, pardon?

I know what 1 million industry specific senior decision makers are. I can even picture them in my mind. But why would I want to utilise them to send my email? Seems a little excessive. I'm not sure I've sent more than a few thousand emails. Ever.

I think the decision makers' time would be better spent making decisions, don't you?

And you think it would be a good idea to send my email contacts in your database? Even if I understood what that meant, what good would it do? What would they do there?

-just like yourself!

Firstly, a sentence doesn't start with a hyphen. But it does, at the very least, warrant a capital letter.

Just like myself? You mean that I can send my email contacts in your database too? I thought the 1 million senior decision makers were already doing that.

Or do you mean that I am also an industry specific senior decision maker? How do you know this? I might simply be the guy that intercepts and redirects the email. Moreover, if I am a senior decision maker, then I'm busy, er, making decisions. Not reading this junk.

Oh, I get it. There's an exclamation mark! So it must be an inspirational message. 'Just like yourself!' Well, that's nice as I've been toying with the notion that I'm not a particularly pleasant person recently. Oh, wait. You're agreeing with me, aren't you? You're actually confirming that I'm right, I'm not a nice person at all. Well screw you.

So far, so good. You're one paragraph in and already I want to throttle you.

This method obviously works as we have used it effectively to make contact with you.

Method? What method? This is the first time you've mentioned a method. Or did I miss something?

Obviously works? Yes, obviously.

At this point I'd rather like to make contact with you, actually. Your face. My fist. Should be pretty effective.

Do you have any questions regarding the service?

Yes. I'd like to ask 'What service?' as you've not yet mentioned that before either. What service?

as little as £45 for 20,000 emails per month.

What? 20,000 emails as good as yours? That works out at 0.00225p per email.

Oh, OK. Probably priced about right then.

on our easy to use - email platform.

Another hyphenation misplacement. I think you mean our easy-to-use email platform, don't you?

take a look around, remember - you will be unable to...

Remember should be the start of a new sentence which means you're missing a fullstop and a capital letter too.

And there should be a comma where you've put a hyphen.

Would you like to me schedule a time...?

Whoa. You're turning into Yoda.

You want me to schedule to you? I'm not sure that it's possible to schedule to anyone, or anything for that matter.

discuss things over the phone? If so, please email me...

Wouldn't it be more sensible for me to call you on the phone to discuss things over the phone?

Alternatively - if you have any questions

Look. I've already told you about using hyphens instead of commas. Just stop it, please.

please email me at a different address to this.

No, no, no. It's different from, not different to.

Wait a minute. You're asking me to email you at a different address. But you've quoted exactly the same address.

Yes, I'm right. I've just checked again and it's the same address.

Oh, I get it. You're actually asking me to use a different email address.

So, like what then? I have a couple of suggestions.

How about completenumpty@dynofusion.com or theidiotinchargeofbusinessdevelopment@dynofusion.com?

I'm sure that any address similar to those will find their way straight to you.

Oh, and if you ever see this, James, I'd be interested to learn just how your Business has been Developing.

staticcaravanforsale

John H was simply not prepared for this onslaught when he was browsing eBay the other day.

I know it's small. Allow me to clarify...

static 6 berth caravan heyron site thorp park holiday center.the caravan is on a none service site the caravan as a end double bedroom and the seating in the kichen area turn into a double bed amd allso living area ther is a brand new gas fire been fitterd and the caravan as all mod cons including sola power for lighting etc the caravan is very close to the beach and sea ther is a funfair on the site and indoor and out door swimming pools and site club and spar shop.ther is lots to do for the hole famley ther is a good town center and grate night live with lots of pubs and clubs and funfairs and amusments.the ground rent is paid up till next march and is cheap ground rent for the year wich is 950 for the year wich you will get back and moor if you let the caravan out.this is a ideal caravan for ther first caravan its very clean ther is no damp or rot.1700 pound or swop for van with long mot and tax or oppen to offers of intrest. see photos

So, now I've cleared that up for you.

It's time to lie down in a darkened room.

Muphry's Law

Muphry's Law states that:

When you set out to criticise the poor grammar, proofreading or typos of others, you're bound to make at least one mistake yourself.

I found this in the comments section of a blog about typos being overlooked in publications despite them having been proofread many times. Click on it if it's too small.

QED

I've not referenced the blog in order to protect the identity of the not-so innocent.

And I can't be 100% sure because it drifts away towards the end but I think there are no less than eight grammatical mistakes in Lyn F's comment.

Muphry would be proud.

Fewer Starbucks please

Never mind 'Less is more'. Less is simply wrong.

It should be fewer, Starbucks, please.

Come to think of it, fewer Starbucks sounds like an even better option.

Apostrophes, grammar and spelling. Do they matter?

Well, yes, I believe they do.

But then again, I'm a Printer. Have been for many years. As such, I help people communicate effectively. Whether they're writing a text book, presenting a business card or having marketing material printed.

I do like the fact that the Internet empowers virtually all of us. Just about everyone can be a publisher these days. Which means that we can all have a say. But, as Peter Parker would have us remember, with this power comes responsibility.

And I believe we should maintain a responsibility to those with whom we're communicating. The responsibility to be clear, accurate, professional and unambiguous. We run the risk of being none of these if we fail to spell correctly or use the wrong word; if we misplace punctuation, or we don't punctuate at all.

For example, a mistake could result in a lost sale. A confusing message. A missed opportunity. A disgruntled customer. Even litigation.

As I say at the top of the page, I'm not perfect. And I'm not a Grammar Nazi. I don't go round correcting everyone and everything. I simply believe that we should strive to spell and use words properly in order to communicate effectively.

And I really want to help people understand the correct placement of apostrophe's.

Sorry. Couldn't resist that.