Twenty questions #2

Part two of our Christmas cracker alternatives.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that we put a man on the moon before we decided to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up and cry every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a blackened crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that, when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out of the window?

Definotions

It's time for some definotions.

Definotion: A slight change in a word which provides a whole different idea for its meaning.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts only until you realise it was your money to start with.

Karmageddon: When you witness the shit hitting the fan in an extreme way while acknowledging your own contribution to that event.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted in an impossibly high place.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance you perform when you accidentally walk into a spider's web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a bluebottle that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Twenty questions #1

An alternative to Christmas cracker jokes in two parts.

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Spell cheque home oh phones

I'm taking a short break from the usual posts over the festive period.

But I'll still be posting some one-liners and this which I created by using, adding to, and editing the best bits from other similar rhymes.

Probably best to try it before the Christmas drinking starts.

Then again, it might be more fun after.

Hope you have a good one.

Eye Halve A Spell Ling Chequer

with thanks to Jerrold H Zar and Margo Roark

Eye halve a spell ling chequer.

It came with my pea sea.

It plane lee marques four my revue

Miss steaks aye kin knot c.

Sow ewe kin sea y aye dew prays

Such soft wear four peace ease, 

And why aye mussed brake inn two verse 

Buy witch eye ope too pleas.

A chequer is a bless sing,

It freeze yew lodes of thyme.

It Alps u right awl stiles two reed,

And aides mi wen aye rime.

Each frays cum posed up on my screen

Eye trussed too bee a joule.

The chequer pours o'er aviary whirred

Two Czech sum spell ling rule.

Eye striker quay and type a whirred

N weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write; 

Itch owes mi's trait a weigh.

AZ soon as a mist ache is maid 

It nose bee fore two long,

And eye kin putt the error rite; 

Its rare lea Eva wrong.

Beakers UV yew sing chequers

Hour spell ling mite d cline, 

And if weir lacks oar halve a laps, 

Wee wood bee maid too wine.

Two wright with care is quiet a feet

Of witch won shooed b prow d,

And wee mussed dew the best wee kin,

Sew floors r knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spell ling

Is checked with such grate flare,

Their Arno false with in my cite,

Of nun eye amma wear.

Eye rang this Poe him threw it,

Yore shore reel glad two no.

Its vary poll itched in it's whey.

My chequer tolled me sew.

Oldies and goodies

I've been saving a special one for Christmas.

Thanks to Dennis A for adding this 1967 ticket application form to the MTH collection.

I needed to make Christmas right.

Speaking of which, here's a Christmas present for those of you who, like me, are Jimi Hendrix fans. Some rare footage of him warming up in the dressing room followed by his performance at that very Christmas On Earth Continued Party recorded on Friday 22 December 1967.

Yes. Gulp. Forty-five years ago tomorrow. RIP.