One-liners

We haven't had any one-liners recently. I hope these make your day more bearable.

I'd love to attribute them to their rightful owners but I really don't have a clue where they came from originally. Some of them are probably from Steven Wright but I (and even he) can't be sure.

A friend of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday and saw four grave diggers walking around with a coffin. Three hours later, they were still walking around with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot.

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast The Flintstones. A spokesman for the channel said, 'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi do.'

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

I went to a bookshop and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?