It's a Bank Holiday here in the UK and I feel like having a change from the usual.
The Washington Post runs an annual contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
Some winners, in no particular order, are:
Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.
Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle, n. olive-flavoured mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up on to the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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