Exper-tease

One rule about life. Never, never, never. And I mean never. Never call yourself an expert.

When someone starts their article with the words 'When high-end online reputation management experts like me...' you just know there'll be some awful error in the piece that proves that exactly the opposite is true.

But surely not in Chris Abraham's case. After all, he's not simply an expert in managing online reputations. He's a high-end expert, no less.

Well, let's see how he manages his own online reputation in the article, shall we?

Oh, there we go. No further than the fourth paragraph which consists of just one sentence containing no less than 105 words.

However, spending thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours now will help inoculate you against the inevitable aggressive online reputation attack that most certainly happen to you at some point in the future, be it from something really stupid, evil, or illegal that you and yours have done (or been discovered as doing or having done) or for no good reason other than your competitor wants your concern to die and give up all your clients or because a simple personal break up, perceived slight, psychotic former employee, permanently displeased former client, or inconsolable patient has made you into his or her own personal jihad.

Oh perlease, Chris. Just shut up. And find out the meaning of jihad.

Unfortunately, he doesn't shut up. The article carries on in much the same vein.

For a little distraction, you could try finding out more about this 'high-end online reputation management expert' by clicking on the link to his company. (Oh yes, he has a link to his own company. Why else would he be writing the article?)

So, let's click the link...

Oh.

OK. Let's try his Facebook Page.

Oh.

Expert, eh?

Hmm. Presumably from the Latin 'ex' meaning has-been and 'spurt', a drip under pressure.

Wot U locking at?

Today we travel with Jon C to the streets of Cambridge, only to discover that the city is not quite living up to its reputation for academic excellence.

Looks like the city's students come cheap too. Not only can you buy some for the lowest prices in town along with covers and accessories, but they're also available at a discoutn, er, discoutned, er, with something knocked off.

Which is probably what most of the stock is.

Bank Holiday fun

It's a Bank Holiday here in the UK and I feel like having a change from the usual.

The Washington Post runs an annual contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

Some winners, in no particular order, are:

Coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

Negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n. olive-flavoured mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n. a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n. a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster, n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism, n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up on to the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent, n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Invisible UV

Five Minutes To A Fortune is a Channel 4 game show that has teams performing various tasks against the clock.

I won't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that even the host, Davina McCall, describes the show as 'buttock-clenching'. I agree, Davina. Well said.

Anyway, one of the games a few weeks back involved being presented with a series of letters. For each letter the contestant had to choose the next letter in the alphabet to make a word or saying.

In this case, it was the name of a singer.

Easy.

But who's the half-wit that thinks W follows T?

Is it U?

Ministry of Typo,s

I've witnessed many a garage struggling with the common or garden apostrophe.

But this, which I spotted in Portsmouth earlier this week, ranks among the most interesting.

I guess the conversation went a little like this...

Hey guys, what should I do with the apostrophe? I know there should be one somewhere but where should it go?

I know. We'll take the one from White's because, well, if truth be told, we forgot to put one there in the first place. And we'll put it after MOT because MOT should be plural and then, because we're still not entirely sure if we're right, we'll drop it down a bit to make it into a comma.

And hope no one notices.

Pointless sign

Spotted on a café wall in Looe a couple of months ago.

Needless to say, everyone did.

Very enterprising

Thanks to Robin L for this one which he came across in the Pembrokeshire Herald.

According to the Herald's publisher, Tom Sinclair, several adverts had additional copy inserted after the proofs had been signed off.

Is he sure? With all the checks in place, that's very hard to swallow.

Unless, of course, it's an inside job.

The Herald launched only a few weeks ago, and the associated publicity must have given it a head start.

Despite coming as quite a blow.

Time is money

NatWest communications people: you need to call time out on your announcements.

From midnight and 6am? So, from midnight then.

Oh, you mean from midnight until 6am, don't you?

Or between midnight and 6am.

Simple, really.

And, while we're here, it's still FAQs and not FAQ's.

You keep making that error, don't you, NatWest?

In fact, for you, it's timeless.

Eleven-plus

Despite being the most exciting team game in existence, Rugby League is a minority sport here in the UK. Therefore, we fans should appreciate any coverage it receives.

So I'm thankful for the relatively tiny amount of information offered by the BBC.

But its website shows that it pays little more than lip service if truth be told.

What makes me say that?

Count the players.

Unlike the BBC's favourite son, football, RL is a 13-a-side game.

Take your pick

Here's another example of careless marketing sent in by Tom L.

This time from Morrisons.

Yes, I mean careless. In that whoever wrote it just doesn't care enough about their job, about the campaign, or indeed about their customers.

My advice to whoever it is would be to watch your Rs.

And be careful to put the letter in the right place or you may end up with #PrickOfTheStreet.

Which might actually be a better slogan.

At least for this poster.

Bang tidy website

Carlsberg doesn't build websites.

But if it did.

Bang Tidy Services

Nah, you're right.

It wouldn't.

Eyres and graces

Thanks very much to Ann F for sending in this one which she found in the Daily Express.

Not everyone is keen on books. Fair enough.

Some of us may be excused for mixing up titles and authors.

Some of us.

For others, however, there's simply no defence.

Plane wrong

It's a bit of a tricky one, this.

I understand completely that three young Chinese girls died and over 180 people were injured in the recent Asiana Flight 214 crash at San Francisco International Airport. I wouldn't want this post to draw attention away from them or their families at such a painful time.

But the naivety of the Bay Area TV station, KTVU, beggars belief and deserves to be highlighted. Thanks to Jon C who sent it in.

The station received confirmation of the names of the four South Korean people who were in charge of the plane from an official at the National Transportation Safety Board.

Presumably the people at the station were only too keen to broadcast the scoop and clearly didn't look twice at the copy.

Never mind proofread it.

KTVU also failed to remember that the NTSB never reveals such information.

Later, a press release from the NTSB announced that the names had been confirmed by a summer intern who 'acted outside the scope of his authority when he erroneously confirmed the names of the flight crew on the aircraft'.

Idiot.

Still, KTVU fell for it, Huk Ly Nansinka.

Idiots.