Twenty questions #2

Part two of our Christmas cracker alternatives.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that we put a man on the moon before we decided to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people say they slept like a baby when babies wake up and cry every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a blackened crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why is it that, when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he can't wait to stick his head out of the window?

Definotions

It's time for some definotions.

Definotion: A slight change in a word which provides a whole different idea for its meaning.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund which lasts only until you realise it was your money to start with.

Karmageddon: When you witness the shit hitting the fan in an extreme way while acknowledging your own contribution to that event.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted in an impossibly high place.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dope-ler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance you perform when you accidentally walk into a spider's web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a bluebottle that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Twenty questions #1

An alternative to Christmas cracker jokes in two parts.

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If the police arrest a mime artist, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put braille on drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Spell cheque home oh phones

I'm taking a short break from the usual posts over the festive period.

But I'll still be posting some one-liners and this which I created by using, adding to, and editing the best bits from other similar rhymes.

Probably best to try it before the Christmas drinking starts.

Then again, it might be more fun after.

Hope you have a good one.

Eye Halve A Spell Ling Chequer

with thanks to Jerrold H Zar and Margo Roark

Eye halve a spell ling chequer.

It came with my pea sea.

It plane lee marques four my revue

Miss steaks aye kin knot c.

Sow ewe kin sea y aye dew prays

Such soft wear four peace ease, 

And why aye mussed brake inn two verse 

Buy witch eye ope too pleas.

A chequer is a bless sing,

It freeze yew lodes of thyme.

It Alps u right awl stiles two reed,

And aides mi wen aye rime.

Each frays cum posed up on my screen

Eye trussed too bee a joule.

The chequer pours o'er aviary whirred

Two Czech sum spell ling rule.

Eye striker quay and type a whirred

N weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write; 

Itch owes mi's trait a weigh.

AZ soon as a mist ache is maid 

It nose bee fore two long,

And eye kin putt the error rite; 

Its rare lea Eva wrong.

Beakers UV yew sing chequers

Hour spell ling mite d cline, 

And if weir lacks oar halve a laps, 

Wee wood bee maid too wine.

Two wright with care is quiet a feet

Of witch won shooed b prow d,

And wee mussed dew the best wee kin,

Sew floors r knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spell ling

Is checked with such grate flare,

Their Arno false with in my cite,

Of nun eye amma wear.

Eye rang this Poe him threw it,

Yore shore reel glad two no.

Its vary poll itched in it's whey.

My chequer tolled me sew.

Oldies and goodies

I've been saving a special one for Christmas.

Thanks to Dennis A for adding this 1967 ticket application form to the MTH collection.

I needed to make Christmas right.

Speaking of which, here's a Christmas present for those of you who, like me, are Jimi Hendrix fans. Some rare footage of him warming up in the dressing room followed by his performance at that very Christmas On Earth Continued Party recorded on Friday 22 December 1967.

Yes. Gulp. Forty-five years ago tomorrow. RIP.

Et tu, Ken?

According to Angie J, it looks like Morrisons is moving in on Tesco's territory.

What kind of sorcery is this?

It's a new lower price all right.

It's just that the new lower price is higher than the previous lower price.

Confused? Exactly what Morrisons wants.

Getting fresher with you every day.

Stitch up

You may remember a couple of weeks ago I mentioned Su's Anal Bum Party.

Well I didn't actually spell it out in so many words but, if you think the subject matter of MTH has taken a sudden turn for the worse, worry not. Here's the link.

And now, thanks to Happy Place, I've found the perfect party boxers for the man man enough to attend.

A-hem.

See what I did there?

Huge typo

Hobgoblin Music advertised in our local Metro newspaper the other day.

A hugh round of applause, please, for Dennis A who was on hand to capture the evidence for posterity.

No f-in shifts

This appeared in the Torrington, Connecticut newspaper, the Register Citizen.

What happens when staff numbers in newsrooms are reduced so far that there's no one left to check stuff?

Shift happens.

Spicy savings

Sent in by Dennis A who came across Laura Gilchrist's Bargain Buster which she found at the Wimbledon branch of Currys earlier this year.

That's a staggering two hundredths of a one per cent reduction.

A real bargain.

And a great example of a shop failing miserably to Curry favour with its customers.

The real McCoy

Thanks very much to Angie J who sent in these photos.

You'd think that McCoy's, with a brand name that contains one, would be the pros when it came to the correct use of apostrophes.

Not so.

In fact, the apostrophe abuse is widespread on the website.

Check the FAQ's for yourself.

Same 'ole, same 'ole

Ah, Tesco, we meet again.

I see you're still up to your usual tricks playing mind games with unsuspecting customers.

Why can't you just pile 'em high and sell 'em cheap like you did in the early days? At least you were more honest then. Still the same crap shop, yes. But more honest nonetheless.

Anyway, thanks to Jon C for spotting this one.

It gives me the opportunity to repeat one of his brilliant comments on a previous Tesco post:

Very little helps.

UN in a state

Over 1.13 million followers looked on in horror as the official United Nations Twitter account published this tweet the other day.

Writer and editor Yair Rosenberg was among the first to point out the error. He remarked, 'Seriously, this may be the biggest typo in the history of international relations.'

But it was 36 minutes before a correction appeared.

By which time some damage had undoubtedly been done.

The person who writes the UN's tweets, Information Officer Nancy Groves, apologised and described it as 'a terrible typo'.

Anyone still claiming that typos aren't important?

Thought not.

Capital punishment

Discovered in the W

                                                                                ashington Post last month.

The W hasn't merely been punished.

It's not even just a dropped capital.

No, that poor old W has been deliberately and maliciously pummelled down into the gutter like a sack of hot Maris Pipers with no foreseeable chance of recovery.

In a column about typos, too.

W

                                                    ho would believe it?

SuBo boo-boo

According to Greg L, the question on many people's lips this week is whether the decision by Susan Boyle's publicists to use a certain twitter hashtag was a deliberate ploy.

They were throwing a party to mark the release of Susan's new album of songs and decided that the following hashtag would be a good one to use.

#susanalbumparty

Which is fine as long as you remember that she's called Susan. But those same publicists have already persuaded the public to refer to her as SuBo. So she's become Su.

Now take another look at that hashtag.

Exactly.

Whether that encouraged more people to come, ahem, we'll never know.

If your Irish

Come into the parlour and enjoy Trev L's contribution from the streets of the Emerald Isle.

Volunteers needed.

Proofreading skills clearly not necessary.

staticcaravanforsale

John H was simply not prepared for this onslaught when he was browsing eBay the other day.

I know it's small. Allow me to clarify...

static 6 berth caravan heyron site thorp park holiday center.the caravan is on a none service site the caravan as a end double bedroom and the seating in the kichen area turn into a double bed amd allso living area ther is a brand new gas fire been fitterd and the caravan as all mod cons including sola power for lighting etc the caravan is very close to the beach and sea ther is a funfair on the site and indoor and out door swimming pools and site club and spar shop.ther is lots to do for the hole famley ther is a good town center and grate night live with lots of pubs and clubs and funfairs and amusments.the ground rent is paid up till next march and is cheap ground rent for the year wich is 950 for the year wich you will get back and moor if you let the caravan out.this is a ideal caravan for ther first caravan its very clean ther is no damp or rot.1700 pound or swop for van with long mot and tax or oppen to offers of intrest. see photos

So, now I've cleared that up for you.

It's time to lie down in a darkened room.

Toy4Us

An unsolicited spammy email arrived in Dennis A's inbox on Monday courtesy of the Daily Star.

Don't you just Love all those Superfluous Capitals?

Anyway, as it says, this particular Free Toy is for Every Reader.

I wonder how it's going to be divided up?

Well, the Daily Star is owned by Richard Desmond's Northern & Shell company whose motto is 'Forti Nihil Difficile' which translates to: To the determined nothing is difficult.

So go on then, Richard. Be determined.

One toy. One and a half million readers.

Show us how easy it is.

Tasco fiasco

Thank you, Jon C, for clicking on one of the ads. It's what helps finance the blog.

And well done for finding this sweet typo once you'd clicked.

Yes, dear reader, before you question it, I checked and the dictionery backs me up.

As Jon says, it's somewhat ironic that he should come across it from a link on MTH.

Also, he asks, can we deduce from this that Tesco is, in fact, a sweat shop?

Carpe deim

O Canada.

Your national newspaper is trying to make the most of it.

And failing.

Protest? Meh.

Thanks to Trev L for finding this on the kontron website.

An offer to visit a website to view an Inactive Demo sounds like an invitation to watch a rally for the not-so bothered.

Clearly it's meant to be Interactive Demo but if, like me, you decide to actually view it (the things I do in the name of research) and you interact, you may wish you'd taken the rally option.

OK, so military computers aren't really my cup of tea.

But watching paint dry.

Now that sounds like a boat floater.

It's the Safe Way

Thank you, Dennis A, for sending me this gem.

The earliest source I can find is amongst George Takei's Facebook Wall Photos.

It also caused much hilarity on The Ellen DeGeneres Show.

Muphry's Law

Muphry's Law states that:

When you set out to criticise the poor grammar, proofreading or typos of others, you're bound to make at least one mistake yourself.

I found this in the comments section of a blog about typos being overlooked in publications despite them having been proofread many times. Click on it if it's too small.

QED

I've not referenced the blog in order to protect the identity of the not-so innocent.

And I can't be 100% sure because it drifts away towards the end but I think there are no less than eight grammatical mistakes in Lyn F's comment.

Muphry would be proud.

Cluedo

This typo crime, discovered by Jon C, was carried out in The Library by Miss Scarlett - or it may have been Mrs White - with The Computer, a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands.

The Library, of all places. You know. The place where literacy abounds.

OK, so it's Peterborough Library.

Regular readers will recall that we've had occasion to visit Peterborough several times in the past. The residents of that city undoubtedly have form when it comes to typos.

But it's not as if the library staff members can't spell the word ads. After all, the word's there, right in front of their noses, on that other printed sheet.

Goodness me, they can even spell accommodation correctly, so ads shouldn't be that taxing for them.

I guess they were too busy playing with the Underline command to notice anything wrong.

Akin to get it right

Back to our old friend, Todd Akin, the would-be replacement for Claire McCaskill as US Senator for Missouri.

After his poor choice of words in a TV interview, he tried to make amends on his site.

Yes, Todd, you did make a mistake.

Someone must have told the web site designers that 'your' was incorrect. You can imagine the phone call: 'The word your should end with an apostrophe r e.'

So that's exactly the change they made.

Doh.

Eventually, they got it right.

Yes, Todd, you sure know how to use the wrong words in the wrong way.

No ties in USA election

Feeling at a loose end?

Perhaps it's because you live in the Untied States of America.

According to CBS Seattle, next week's election ballot paper mailed out to nearly 23,000 voters in Jefferson County, Washington asks them to pick a President and Vice President of the Untied States.

Credit: Jefferson County

So that's what they mean by the land of the free.

County Auditor Donna Eldridge told the Peninsula Daily News that the gaffe got past five proofreaders.

But she doesn't think the error will affect the veto.

Sorry... the vote.

Akin breakin' hearts

Continuing our Election 2012 theme, here's another gaffe which appeared on Republican Todd Akin's web site in his bid to become Senator of Missouri.

Todd has form when it comes to issues related to women so he's clearly trying to redress the balance.

That he can't tell one woman from several women doesn't do his cause much good, I fear.

Even worse, though, is that one of the women featured in the photograph is not one of his supporters.

But it's worse than that.

The woman in question is on Akin's left. Yes, that one. The one whom Akin's wife, Lulli, is hugging so lovingly.

She is, in fact, Corinne Matti and she's a full-time employee of the Missouri Democratic party. Her job as a Tracker is to attend and monitor Akin's public appearances and report back to her Democrat bosses.

Surely he didn't simply grab the first women he could find?

That would be entirely incorrect, wouldn't it?

In fact, not politically correct.

And not correct politically.

Keeping abreast

The Massachusetts Republican Senator, Scott Brown, made a bit of a boob the other day in his re-election campaign.

In a flyer entitled A Strong Record On Women's Issues, Brown released an advert proclaiming that he supported women and women's issues.

He then posted from his personal Twitter account asking his backers to spread the word.

Looks like he's really got the hang of this Titter thing.

Acronymious headline

Taken from The Times on Saturday 6 October. Thanks very much to Jon C for ensyring we received it.

Maybe it's another acronym.

I've a couple of suggestions.

To the Sub Editor perhaps:

Editor's Note: Sure You've Read Everything?

Or: e-newspapers sabotage your reading experience.

You?

Counting on spell check

Many people were quick to offer their congratulations to Felix Baumgartner on his brilliant triumph.

None more so than Red Bull, the main sponsor of the event, whose social media people congratulated him on the Red Bull Stratos Facebook Page.

There's a trend these days for using nouns as verbs.

But I'm not at all sure how this one would work.

To infinity and beyond

Taking nothing away from Felix Baumgartner's recent record-breaking display of bravery and madness, I came across this the other day.

Many superlatives were used in the commentaries both during and after his fantastic achievement.

But MSNBC, you need to hold your horses.

Yes, Felix made a jump and he certainly has drive.

But there was no jump drive involved.

c what I did there?

Tesco the munificent

Thanks, once again, to Dennis A who came across this sign displaying Tesco's generosity.

Still piling 'em high and selling 'em cheap.

Well, ever so slightly cheaper.

A rubbish bin

Householders in the Aylesbury Vale District who signed up for the Aylesbury Vale District Council's garden waste collection service were surprised last week to receive a new wheelie bin.

It's brown and it's for collecting garden waste.

OK. No surprise there. After all, that's the very least they'd expect for their £36.

(Actually, the fact that householders must pay for their garden waste to be collected comes as a monstrous surprise to me.)

Anyway, the main surprise for AVDC householders is this uneditable typo.

Radwort?

Now I'm no Botanist but, as a boy, I enjoyed collecting caterpillars on many family holidays in Anglesey. And even my 8 year old self knew where to find them. On Ragwort.

That's Ragwort, AVDC. Ragwort.

Or, if you prefer, Stinking Willy. (Another name for the plant, I hasten to add. Not for AVDC.)

Uneditable?

Yes, because AVDC saw fit to have the rules moulded into the lid. Not printed on, say, an easily-removable, self-adhesive paper. Not even printed on an information sheet.

No. Moulded in. Permanently.

So what does AVDC mean to its householders?

A Very Disappointing Cock-up.

Tomato source

Thanks to Dennis A who spotted this John West ad in Sainsbury's magazine.

Someone can't read.

Or check.

Or both.

Gas mask required

I've never been to Airdrie and wouldn't, therefore, presume to know anything about the place.

It's one of those Scottish towns that make an appearance every Saturday teatime when the football results are announced.

Anyway, Airdrie may well be very pleasant.

But ScotRail isn't exactly encouraging anyone to visit, based on this poster spotted at Partick railway station. (There's another of those footballing towns.)

ScotRail clearly has a need for a Proofreader.

A dire need.

Something fishy

Well, I agree with Dennis A who found this. It's not how I would go about attracting customers.

Especially those seeking a degree of discretion, shall we say.

Can't quite read i

Exceptional standards? No doubt.

Impeccable service? I'm sure of it.

Subtlety? A big fat zero.

No laughing matter

Here's another typo that falls into the not-so-humorous category.

The caption appeared in a recent article in the Welsh tabloid Western Mail about Bob Jones who died earlier this year in a plane crash.

I'm guessing, rather generously I think, that the Journalist was either remembering Mr Jones with 'lots of love' or sending the copy to an editor with the same valediction.

Either way, it should have been spotted by a Proofreader or Sub-Editor before it went to print.

And, in case the Journalist doesn't actually know, LOL stands for Laugh(ing) Out Loud.

Or perhaps in this case, Lowest of the Low.

New members

Is this the only typo?

Or should that be Red Light Area?

Mind - Readers required

Not sure that I'd trust these guys with any of my websites.

First of all, their Home page...

london.

Not a good start.

Then their About page...

dediciated instead of dedicated

closley instead of closely

companies resources instead of company's resources

Oh, and they've thrown in a random & for no reason.

It may be their idea of a 'fantastic and high quality service'.

But it ain't mine.

Unsavoury invitation

A great big thank you to Joan C who found this in the September 2012 issue of a free magazine called Go Local which goes out in Haddenham, Bucks and surrounding villages.

Looks like they've got the nibbles covered.

Fishy sign

Thanks to Peter who spotted this sign on the canal while travelling throughout the UK on his narrow boat, NB Gecko.

So, mostly fishing then.

Wrenching the truth

The Christchurch Court News reported last month that a policeman had become a little mixed up.

A 51-year-old unemployed Woolston man had been caught shoplifting from a hardware store and, according to the officer's report, one of the alleged stolen items was a set of wenches valued at $302.

While the alleged offender laughed in the dock, Judge Joanna Maze gave the senior constable permission to change the wording to a set of wrenches.

Apparently, the shoplifter joined in the PC's discomfort by calling out, 'I’ll never tell you where they are.'

Hopefully this picture will explain the difference and help the police officer with his search.

Quiet please

In The Irish Times on 4 September.

That's quite a typo.